I Don't Know If You Really Know

My morning began as every morning did last year, yet, something was different about today. It was a new year....a time for new beginnings. I always think it would be nice to begin a new year with a profound word from the Lord and then my course would be set. My year would be a journey in which God would take me on.... full of adventure and great discovery.

The word that He spoke to me this particular new year would be one that would undo me and bring me to my knees rather than fill my sails with air....

As always, God speaks to me through my mothering experiences and this was quite the experience. Once again, I found myself in a situation that was unfamiliar. I found myself holding one of my children after experiencing a time of frustration in parenting and I said to her with tears in my eyes, "I don't know if you really know how much I love you". As quickly as those words left my lips, I heard them in my heart, "I don't know if you really know how much I love you". They seemed to reverberate off the walls of my heart as if it were empty...."I don't know if you know how much I love you".... over and over and over again.

Later, after a beautiful time of intimacy with my daughter, I found myself pondering those words...."I don't know if you really know how much I love you". They lingered on. Is it true? Could it be? That after such a dramatic display of selflessness and mercy on the Cross, I could still not know the depths of the love of God towards me? My heart ached as I wept over the anguish that must be in God's heart because His children don't fully know His love for them...they've become caught up in life and oh, how difficult it is to resist this life and all that it demands. But there He is, watching and waiting and yes, grieving because He longs for the intimacy that comes when His love is realized.

Lord, I long to spend this year discovering the depths of your Love. Please give me the strength to turn away from the demands of motherhood and the distractions of this life and help me find a secret time and place to daily bask in your presence and receive all the Love that you have for me. I know that I cannot even show the love that is in my heart for my children to them, unless I have fully embraced your love for me. I will stumble and fall short every time unless you rescue me. Thank you for reminding me in the midst of my own cry for intimacy with my daughter that it is the same with you...you want me to know the depths of your Love for me. I desire it too. And, if I remember correctly, you said that you would give me the desires of my heart if I sought you first....so, today I seek you and ask that you would give me the eyes to see, the ears to hear and the heart to feel the depths of your great Love so that I might in turn be your Love to those around me. Amen.